Phobic

Ever had one of those dreams that felt so real you had to wake up to realize it wasn’t actually happening?  A few nights ago...in the middle of my REM...I’m driving the car with my husband in the passenger’s seat.  First problem, I’m the driver.  If at all possible, he is my designated driver forever and always.  It’s as if he were born with this internal GPS.  My blue-eyed boy is always fully confidant of exactly where he’s going even if he doesn’t have a clue. 

And so without any reason or explanation, I’m driving.  We are heading up a bridge straight into zero gravity.  “Dear Jesus...”I’m thinking. In this dream, I’m actually praying...really, really praying.  I’m frozen with fear. I cannot look to my right or my left, because in a second we could drop straight to certain doom.  But I keep driving and hoping and praying and driving and hoping and praying that we will outlive this scary moment and somehow make it over this bridge of terror.  

Problem number two, in case you haven’t realized I’m frantically and desperately scared of heights.  Yeah, this is bad, I mean very, very bad.  If we were going to drive a bridge to the heavens, at least my guy could have taken the lead on this one.  Because he actually would have probably considered this an adventure.  Which is exactly how he handles just about everything in life. While I sit back and analyze and freak...well, unless I’m racing or illustrating or competing. And I’m just hoping I survive for the next few seconds.  Yeah, and in case you’re wondering, I’m still frozen.

I have these same obsessive dreams...used to be that I hadn’t turned in my Math homework...how many 33 year-olds have frantic dreams about their Algebra homework?  I can’t help but thinking something is seriously wrong with me. 

Finally, there’s this other nightmare where I drive straight into the ocean.  Phobia #3: drowning in a large body of water stuck in my car. So I wonder what my subconscious is trying to tell me and I have to ask if there are any other crazy people out there brave enough to admit their phobias...even the ones that show themselves in our sleeping hours?

And I have to sit back and think these are the things that I have no control over.  These are the elephants in my life that I cannot outrun or outsmart or cover up with any amount of creative or artistic design.  This is where it simply can’t be up to this runner girl and I let God take charge. So I begin to search his Word and see what it speaks to me...

”Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”  John 14:27

“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.  Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.”  Philippians 4:6

“See, God has come to save me.  I will trust in him and not be afraid.  The Lord God is my strength and my song; he has given me victory.” Isaiah 12:2

And I want these to be my mantras and my waking thoughts, so that even in my dreams...even when life is scary...even when it’s out of my control...my fears are quiet and my God is strong.