Hello 40. I love you.
I guess when I was younger I envisioned “30” would be a dark party stuffed full of Over the Hill balloons, canes, wrinkled up raisin looking people and tombstones decking out a black-trimmed cake. But 30 came and it wasn’t that...not even at all. I had a baby. Then another. And they were scrumptious tiny morsels of love...kiss after kiss...sugary sweet little packages. They were life. Mommyhood taught me that there was so much more I was capable of giving. I ran a marathon and another and another. I had a new awareness that there could be more. Limitations were breaking off. We can all be stronger than we think we are. We moved to a new city and another and another and finally we found our way home. We began to see newborn baby dreams emerge into viable identifiable parts of our everyday. There were moments of heartbreak and hurt. I wished I did not have a heart to break sometimes. Humanity was harsh.
Some days I could think only of quitting and running away. When hurt was so deep that it felt as if my heart might shrink or explode into millions of tiny pieces. There would be people I would spend hours loving and building relationship with...playdates with kids...family vacations...late night counseling... only to watch them walk coldly out of my life without even a good bye.
God has been unfailingly good even when I am not. I have tried in weakness to live for myself. In my deepest hurt I have attempted to run from God. Pushing to escape the things that keep me safe and good...trying God and breaking down boundaries that keep me...pure and clean. And in His love He has intercepted my stupidity every single time. He has saved me from me. Isn’t that what He always does? I thank Him that I have never ran so far that I could not be rescued. I guess we never really are. But I know now You cannot run from hurt or from fear. You must stare fear in the face and resist yourself. Because we are better when we lose sight of us and pour our lives out for something excellent. All around us are people hurting and hopeless and unloved and abandoned who desperately need someone to care. The best life is the one we give away. Love can change anything.
And ten years happened in a blink.
Today I remember a little curly haired girl who did not have words. Hiding behind the big personality of others who knew exactly what to say. A girl with speech problems and not an ounce of confidence.
And then God intersected my life.
A bus drove to my house one day and brought me to church. It was full of love and better. People who taught me style and maturity, commitment and leadership, and how to love God and others. Showing me I was more and pointing me to destiny. Poverty taught me to strive for more and kept me naiive. And that’s not always a bad thing.
I had thought I would be a writer by now. Some sort of Mr. Holland...working to compose his great symphony even as life and family and responsibility always swallow me up fiercely. Seconds becoming minutes and minutes turning to days and months and years. You know it’s as if something infinitely greater is pressing for time and attention and us. We are mommies. And athletes. And wives. Decorators. Teachers. Artists and counselors. Doctors and nurses. We are women. We think we should be more and do more and we aren’t enough. In fact we are superheroes...bright and shining stars to our children and our families and people who need us. At the end of the day, it is up to us to remind ourselves we are living the dream.
I believe I have the best life not because I’m luckier than anyone but because I built it.
Our best thoughts should be limitless and we were meant to have imaginations that swim in the unthinkable. Fresh dreams should burst constantly like juice from the reddest watermelon.
40 is believing there is still good in this crazy world. Sprinting into the next decade to love and change our city, to be a freedom fighter, and a rescuer of people.
People tell me all the time they can’t run. I don’t believe it. We can do anything we put our minds to. All things are possible. Failure is inevitable. Grace is sufficient. Forgiveness is freedom. Faith, hope, and love remain. The greatest is love. Choose love.
Hello 40. I think we’re going to be fearless. Let’s go birthday girl.
